Internet Asks: How Are You?

Um, yes. Hello there, Internet. It’s been a while. The last you heard, I was happily abusing my rental car. It was June 1st.
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It’s been busy. First, & most happily, C had her baby! I got to be a labor coach, & it was a long & epic battle for her. It ended in a C-section, one stubborn & perfect little baby, and one doped up C. Babe & mama are both doing well – and my goodness the little wee cheeks on C’s babe! I wanted to eat them up this morning when Am & I went visiting. I didn’t though; the babe was asleep. And it’s rude to eat other people’s babies.
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Less than a week after that sweet & high point, there was the low point. As I was driving home to Saskatchewan with Am to see Mom ‘n Hugh, & Mom’s friend Debbi, things worsened for Hugh. Our intended 4-day casual gab’n’chat changed. Am & I were down for a little over two weeks, and we went from vigil, to wake, to mourning. I think recovering is still a ways off.

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(I don't believe that I'd mentioned in this blog what was happening. Hugh had been diagnosed with a serious cancer last summer; he responded well to chemo, then things sort of crashed in late May, with more cancer & sickness & hospital visits. I had hoped he was going to rally & recover, but he didn't. We lost him the evening of June 15th. He was at home, where he wanted to be.)
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I know in my head it’s June, but my heart hasn’t signed up for the summer yet. It was beautiful & warm & sunny in Saskatchewan, but it seemed like a dream. It’s a beautiful & warm sunny day today here at home, but again, it just doesn’t seem real.
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It feels like I lost June. I’m just treading water, trying to believe that June, & summer, & happiness are out there, but I feel like I’m mostly going through the motions. It’s a good face I’m painting on – even I buy it, sometimes, and with time it will settle in again, that it’s summer, & that good & happy things happen. Until then, I’m so thankful for Amoryn – mentally, I’m sure that the comfort I derive from her has to do with the evidence of life in the face of death, with life carrying on, etc etc. But really, I just love having her in my arms & having her little round head on my shoulder.
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Mom, I feel so bad for your loss, for what you are enduring. I know what I’m feeling is nothing compared to the loss that you have; but me posting about where I am here in this blog makes me feel better. I think writing out the answer to the “How are you’s?” makes me feel stronger; and the answer here can be as long or complex as I need it to be.
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So, how am I.... I guess I'm working through it. Talk to you later, Internet,

K.