"GREY CUP LOSS STRIKES MAN STUPID"

(Let me preface by saying this made me laugh FAR more than it made me grind my teeth. I'm sharing the tale so that you, too, can laugh.)
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So, the man & one of his cronies had rented a suite at Flames Central to watch the game. There were a number of work associates & family members, and the uniting theme was "GO RIDERS!".

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I figured it was going to get very drunk outside for them all, but as the man had arranged rides for he & his brother to get there & back, I honestly didn't care. I went to tuck myself & Eleni into bed (Am, A_____, & A__ all had done the same, at various earlier times), and was just watching her little eyes flutter shut when the phone rang.

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It was J____, and he was a mess. I gathered that they were on the train, and they needed a ride. Now, after grinding my teeth, I agreed to pick them up. I then called the man back, and interrogated him as to what station they were at. We established it was Lion's Park, because they hadn't gone underground yet. Groovy. I sneak the monitor downstairs to A_____ (who I wanted to let sleep, because she has a long day of driving today), and I take the (since disturbed) baby with me. Halfway to the train, I call to see where they are - if I should circle the wagons, as El doesn't approve of parked cars at all.

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"We're downtown..."
"WHAT? You said you were on the train!"

"We were, but it all got messed up."

"*sigh*... I'm not going to come downtown & get you."

"No! No, we're stupid. Cut us loose, you go home. We'll take the train and then find a cab. Sorry babe, we're stupid. Love you, sorry. It's been terrible."

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I went home, put my pj's back on, and settled Eleni, again.

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This time, my cel rang, so at least it didn't jar El out of that delicate drifting off state.

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"We're at Dalhousie, come and get us."

"No, sweetie, I can't. I looked up the bus schedules tough, and if you get the 199 it will bring you home."

"Oh, no we can't do that*"

"No, really, it's super easy, the next one is only a little ways away, I checked. Go there."

"Okay, we'll figure it out..."

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I put Eleni to bed. That protective Saskatchewan girl instinct kicks in (that especially worries about drunks in freezing weather), and I call them back.

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"Where are you?"

"Oh, it's crazy. No one will take us home - we keep asking people. But there's no cabs."

"Okay, I will come and get you. Where are you?"
"The carwash."

"Okay - STAY RIGHT THERE. I am coming RIGHT NOW to get you, okay?"

"Oh, thanks sweetie."

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I'm a block from the carwash, and I call again.

"Where are you?"
"We're in a cab, just coming up the hill."
"WHAT? I'M A BLOCK AWAY FROM THE CARWASH!"

"Oh, no, but it was cold. The cab is taking us home."

*teeth grinding* "Fine. I'll see you at home, shortly.

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Idiots. I love them both - but dummies.

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*They couldn't. I think they were too drunk to read.

I Feel Better, A Bit

I do, I feel a bit better. Thanks for the comments, and the phone calls, and the love. I will collect on promises of hugs and support as needed.

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I keep this blog partially as a diary - so that I remember the day-to-day joys. Years ago, I used to keep a paper diary, and one day I reread it. It turned out that I wrote far more about what frustrated and angered me. That was good, in that it gave me a safe place to vent. It was not so great, because when I went back & read it later, there was nothing but negativity. ("It was a good day" vs. two pages about why _____ was _____ with the _____and then I felt _____.... not really much of a contest.) So I've purposefully tried to keep this blog more positive. Not necessarily Pollyanna, but at least to write a lot about the things that are good and make me happy.

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That being said, I've learned from previous tangles with depression that not talking about things is not good. It's even worse to just pretend that everything is hunky-dory fabulous. Hence the previous post. (It is a fine line to walk though - because you tend to find what you're looking for; if you do nothing but rant about the negatives in your life, what do you see? More negatives.*)

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It's been a good weekend - J____ & A____ & A__ were visiting, and it's been so nice. A__ is about 17 months old, and it's been really entertaining watching her stack blocks, hop away from Amoryn (who is all about "chasing" as a method of playing together), and just be her charming self. A__'s parents are equally charming, and it did me a lot of good chatting with A_____ about parenthood and the occasional irritations of being married to a really great guy that you love to bits. (The man & J___ are brothers.)

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It was also Eleni's baby shower on Saturday. It was grand, and M____ & C____ really knocked themselves out. I made a conscious decision to enjoy the party & not worry about taking a ton of photos, so there are only a couple pics. And right now, I'm disinclined to find the camera & the cable. But it was truly lovely, and it made me feel really good to see such a welcome for my Eleni, and to know that we're so loved. (It's love when people will festoon your house and make cupcakes, pie & quiche.)

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The feeding front is interesting - two steps forward, two steps back. I believe we're through the dreaded six-week growth spurt, and cheese might be okay. I did screw up & eat some things with milk in it on Saturday, so we're re-zeroing the dairy meter. I'm getting better about figuring out what to eat.

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I'm off to bed now - the menfolk are still out drowning their sorrows. (A___ & I still can't figure out why that kick was worth three points - we both thought it was two. Ah well. Perhaps it was a bad idea for the kids & I to wear Rider gear today - there was a wide variety of body fluids on them, requiring several changes. Maybe that was a jinx. If so, moops.)

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*No, I'm not a fan of the Secret. There are some things that affirmations won't bring. But a realistically positive outlook is healthy.

Wherein I Have Not Much Good To Say...

I feel like I don't really have much good to say, but I need to let this out. I know I'm so lucky to have such a lovely family, and a considerate husband, and a bright & clever toddler, and a sweet, sweet baby. But. But.

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There's nothing "Wrong", per se. But I feel awful, and unfortunately, it's not in a physical way. I'm cranky, and tired, and irritable, and I've been on the verge of tears for two days now. I'm yelling at Am because she doesn't listen (seriously - why does it need to take 10 requests & 20 minutes to put on pants? Why does it take more than twice as long on days when I've allowed double the time?)*, then I'm mad at Am for having to yell at her, while I'm trying to feed Eleni (it does start off as a request - put that down, please. Put that down, please. PUT THAT DOWN NOW!), then I'm feeling bad for Eleni, who is not getting to nurse & bond with a calm, collected mother, and is getting negative energy. It's got to be stressful to have someone yelling over top of you when you're trying to eat. Then I feel guilty because Amoryn is two & a half, and she's really fantastic overall, and I shouldn't yell at her. Nobody deserves a mean mom.

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Then Amoryn takes another dvd out of its case and I yell at her again.

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I feel like there's no winning. Am isn't particularly acting out because of her sister; this is pretty standard Amoryn fare. I don't even think she's actively seeking negative attention - she's just reached a new stage where she's sure that she knows how everything works. Like, with the DVDs, if she takes one out of its case, and just spins it around on something long enough or fast enough or with the right amount of pressure, Nemo or Wall-E will appear**. I've been explaining that that's not what will happen; that scraping DVDs will destroy them, and I'm no longer impressed that Am is trying to apply logic to things. I'm yelling at her to leave the things alone.

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I know that when Am is sleeping, or at one of her two daycare days, I should be trying to take it easy & nap quietly with Eleni. But there's things like dental appointments, & chiropractors, and other random items that go from being an "errand" to being a Geneva-convention approved form of torture***, with the addition of a mobile toddler. And honestly, I feel so wound these days that even when I try to nap, I can't.

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I'm also incredibly envious of the man - he can eat what & when he wants, drink what he wants, sleep pretty much as much as he wants, and he gets to leave the house All By Himself, For As Long As He Needs To. I'm trying not to let that envy simmer into rage, but I tell you, the Grey Cup is not helping matters. True, we got a used jogging stroller that I can put both girls in, so I can get some physical exercise, but I still feel pretty damn trapped. And he looks like a pretty free bird, flitting off to work, then yoga, then Costco. Envy.

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I miss milk, and cheese, and yogurt. I've established that Eleni is not cool with the proteins in either cow's milk or soy, so I'm trying to figure out a new diet. I'll try cautiously reintroducing cheese, yogurt, & boiled milk gradually in a couple days, but I'm still letting things (namely Eleni's tender digestive tract) settle out before I go throwing more items into the calculations.

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I told the man the other night that I need to have some fun. "So what do you want to do?" I had no idea. None. Nada. Zip.

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I know what I want - I want to sleep for at least 6 mazillion hours in a row. I want Amoryn to listen to me so that I don't have to shriek at her. (She doesn't even have to listen the first time. Just as long as it's before shrieking, and she listens the first time on important things like "this is a parking lot with cars, you need to stay right here".) I'd like it if Eleni quit spitting entire feeds of milk on me - although I know that's to do with the cow's milk/soy issues, so that should actually come true. I'd like it if my old pants fit****, so I didn't have to go buy new ones, or continue wearing maternity pants. I'd really like it if that niggling sinking sensation went away - that sensation that the Deep Dark Pool of Depression is creeping it's way up my toes, onto my feet. (Whether it's winter or post-partum, depression is something I've tangled with before & have no desire to ever go near again.)

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Sigh. I know that it's Not Really That Bad, and I'll Feel Better With More Sleep, and Really, I'm Really Lucky. But right now I want a long nap, a big glass of milk, and a hug; and I know what the odds on all of those things are at this moment.

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I'm going to go do some more laundry. And have a cup of (herbal) tea with a (homemade) cookie.

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*This is simply the first conflict of the day, not the biggest, or most serious.

**This, or some other similar toddler logic, happens more that I can tell you.

***It must be; although I tell you, with the right toddler & the wrong line-up, you could break many a strong man.

****I can actually put some of them on - provided I don't mind: a) spending ten minutes hopping into them, b) feeling like 10 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound casing, c) losing the sensation in my legs because they're so m-f tight, and d) having to spend another 10 minutes peeling them off. And I'm not lamenting my current shape at all - I just want the pants problem to be magically solved.

It's Shawl Done

Yes indeed, it's shawl done. I wish I could say that it's perfect & I adore it, but...

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I was too excited to finally be casting off to closely inspect the final couple inches, & I found a couple funny stitches. I guess that's what comes of knitting in the dark. (The majority of the final knitting on this puppy were with El, in the middle of the night; or in the bathroom, with Am, conversing about the wonders of the toilet.)
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I'm overall pleased with it though. It's only the third full-size shawl that I've knit, and now that I think about it they were all garter-stitch... Hm. Perhaps I am more of a masochist than I thought. Anyways, this is the first one that didn't have the Faroese shoulder seaming, & I'm missing that.
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I do like the length:width ratio - it's got a good wingspan but skims around my waist in the back. (Pose cleverly hides all milk residue on my shirt.)
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FYI: pattern is Shawl That Jazz by Samantha Roshak (Rav link), using Filatura Di Crosa Zarina in "Tulip Fields". It's a DK weight that I ordered from Elann, and required some math-fu on my part as the pattern is writtern for, erm, something different, and heavier. No, I err. I just checked. It's written for DK, & the Zarina is a sport-weight. Either way, I started it in June, and am happily wearing it around my (cool) house.

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(If you think I look a little cross or tired in these pics, you will be correct. Never fear; I'm only a little the worse for wear these days, and I know that the cross is one of the attractive accessories the Sleep Deprivation Fairy drops off. B1tch. I hate her.)

Who Needs Words,

Who needs words with pictures this fantastic?

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(Also, my brain seems to not be working today. So photos it is...)

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Dad & Eleni.

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Dad & Amoryn, hiding in the dragon kingdom, I think.

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Sliding!

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Amoryn reading to Donna. (Eleni is doing her flat out best to put Donna to sleep. It's El's superpower.)

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Eleni & I.

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Life is sure good.

Brought To You By the Junior Spokesmen for Literacy & Narcolepy

Lots to catch up on* - but first, feast your eyes upon two lovely gifts from a coworker & friend....
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For Eleni, there was this creature. I loves him, he's so soft. He's handmade, and his name if Breetzer, but I've rechristened him Frederick.
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Here he is, helping prop El on her side. Doesn't he look like a Frederick?
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Amoryn got a box set of five books. I don't think I can use enough exclamation points to clearly illustrate how she feels about this, but it's pretty darn cool. Her box of books has been the first choice to play with ever since she opened them.

As a plus, we had one of the books - Chrysanthemum - but it had suffered serious damage during a nap**, then additional injury during a bout of the flu. So I'm pleased that we have a copy again, it's a great little story.
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And some gratuitous sleepy baby footage - this was an hour past when she was supposed to eat, and I'd been gently bugging her for about half an hour. All goat noises are genuine El sounds, btw.

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Speaking of sleepy goats, I'd better go & make some hay while the sun is shining & the girls are napping...

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*No, there's not really anything huge & enormous... just scads of adorable photos of the girls with a variety of family members...

**This was before we had thoroughly drilled into Am's head that books are Special, & Important, & it's Very Bad to rip them, ever.

I'm Not Sure What's Wrong...

Well, actually, I sort of am. I'm not getting enough knitting.

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If it were simply because of the fact that life is hectic & I'm busy chasing the kids, then that would be one thing. That is the case some days, and I'm totally okay with that. (Actually, I only chase Am. El is still pretty immobile - although surprisingly mobile & strong for her age.)

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What is really bothering me is that I'm not knitting because of my hands. After we went to Anaheim, my hands and feet were both really swollen from the heat. My feet recovered, but my hands stayed puffy. With the puffiness, came tingling. It was miserable. Needles & pins, numbness, yadda yadda. My doctor & midwives reassured me* that it's all because of the retained water during pregnancy, and it'll clear up. It was making me crazy though - knitting is my portable sanity, and I couldn't knit. Well, I could knit a little bit - but it felt like I was wearing mittens, my hands were so tingly/numb.

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It's been almost a month since I had Eleni, and while the water retention & arms going to sleep has mostly resolved itself, I still feel like I'm wearing imaginary mittens. True, they're more of a lightweight shrinkie mitt now, not a bulky-weight mitten, but still. Hard to knit anything interesting. (Also hard to deal with those cursed wee little snaps that plague baby clothing!)

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I may also be feeling a little animosity towards Shawl That Endless Garter Stitch - I've been working on it almost exclusively because a) I want to have it done to use it for nursing b) it's pretty much idiot-proof at this stage c) I can pick it up & drop it easily & d) it's simple enough that my 'invisible mitts' are workable. I'm tired of knitting it. I've been tired for quite a while, really; I knit through "the wall" a looong time ago, and now, I'm just ready to be done with it. I know that the ruffle really needs at least 4-6 more rows, minimum, and at the current rate of knitting, that's at least a week. I'm afraid if I put the shawl into the 'Bad Knitting Box' I won't return to it until I have grandchildren. And I've put enough time into it that I really do want to finish it. But the idea of another week with it is enough to turn my stomach. Thus, a dilemma: a) cast off, and have a finished project that I may always look at and think "I should've.."? b) keep knitting, and if my sanity snaps & I turn the shawl into a casserole for supper, hope that by the time I'm out of the loony bin, they've developed some way to separate merino from tuna? c) put it in the bad knitting box, with the intention of returning to it while I'm still nursing.

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It's a tough call. My decision making abilities are pretty impaired by my sleep deprivation**. If it weren't for the imaginary mittens, I'd probably park the project for while, but I can't really start anything more interesting or fun, because I'm too fumblefingered.

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Meh. What a whiny post. I'd delete this all, but maybe someone in the Intarweb will have a useful suggestion. I think I'm going to go & knit on my only other project - Am's stripey sweater, which is a worsted weight top-down raglan, so simple enough. It's in three colors, so it's not good drop'n'run material, but Am's in bed, so I shouldn't have to bolt for anything.

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Please leave a comment if you have any brilliant solutions or suggestions...

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*They also didn't appreciate the gravity of me Not Being Able To Knit.

**Normal, nursing a month-old baby style sleep deprivation.

Live, From La Brea

Am did something very exciting the other day. It was tremendous.
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(I'm going to use a lot of euphenisms now, partially for those delicate in nature, and partially to avoid getting a lot of weird google hits.)
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She made her first big deposit in the potty bank. I don't understand why she's decided - now that there's a new baby here - that she's really interested in potty training. It doesn't really matter, I suppose. It's not the first thing I don't understand, and I know it's not going to be the last. At any rate, she laid quite a log. Her dad wasn't home, and he's been a big cheerleader, so I took a page from Kate's* book & took a picture. He got home, and I told him to look in the camera to see what Am did that was so impressive & exciting that it rated a rare, 2nd Elmo. He was totally wowed.
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I'd share the image with you, but I have some tact & discretion. Or boundaries, or something. Instead, to commemorate, here is a brief video of the big pond in front of the La Brea Tar Pits. The noise, the smell; they're very evocative of the event.
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(I may not be getting enough sleep.)

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*Jon & Kate + 8. She photographed each kid's first dump.

Well, Sometimes What You Ask For

Sometimes what you ask for isn't what you actually want... This is for Anonymous.

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(I have no idea what's going on there, by the way. It's from late October, that's all I know.)

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So, not a baby video, but it still made me laugh. All the other baby videos are either too sweet & personal for me to share, sideways, or are wildly too close for focus. (My arms are only so long, eh?)

Her Dad May Have Caught Bigger Fish...*

Eleni is growing, oh yes indeed. She weighed in (literally) today at 7 pounds, and three weeks of age. (She was born at 6lb 2oz.) I'm not force-feeding her, although I can understand why you might think so when you check out the belly!
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(Kitchen sink bath.)
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Amoryn continues to be a delighted, if easily distracted, big sister. (If you don't have the bandwidth or patience for the video, it features El 'swimming'**, and Am's brief interested commentary, then her sales pitch to go & watch some Elmo.)

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That's not what they're watching here; it's just a fluke that Am was looking the same way as her dad. Elmo gets an entirely different body posture - one that says "I AM FIXATED". (I especially love the little starfish hands on the man's shoulder.)

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I can't think of much else to say - things are going well. Blogging is low on the priority list - somewhere behind applying under-eye concealer, way behind eating, and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay behind sleep. I do think up all sorts of witty blog posts in the middle of the night, when I'm up feeding Eleni, but they don't seem to survive to the morning light. Trust me, they're funny. Maybe I'll get smart & start making notes - although then I run the risk of trying to decipher what some random scrawl means.

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On the other hand, interpreting random scrawls might make an interesting post. Today's blogging time is drawing to a close, as is the lovely synchronized naps that the girls gave me today.

.*She's so much prettier than any fish, ever. Also, less slimy, and happier about breathing air.

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**The man thinks it looks more like kung-fu.

A Booo-tiful Day

It was a great Halloween. The man & the toddler carved pumpkins...

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(Although Am was more of a consultant, really.)

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I finished knitting El's costume...

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She's cute as a bug!

(Tough to take a photo of someone who has no real neck control OR consistently open eyes...)

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Speaking of bugs...

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Am was a butterfly.

And she had a treat bag. We all went trick-or-treating to about a quarter of the cul-de-sac. That was enough to fill up the goody bag & tire us out. She was a little foggy on the whole concept, at first, but by the time we wrapped up she was chanting "Trick or treat! Trick or treat!". I'm curious if she'll try to trick or treat next time we go out on errands.

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(Just in case the trick or treating works, I'll have to make sure that it's a yarn store errand!)