Sometimes Unexepected News Is Bad

I should be knitting right now. I've got a deadline, and I've got yarn & needles, but I'm feeling sad. So perhaps telling you, the intarweb about it, will help.

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A beautiful woman died yesterday. She would have been forty or so next month, and we haven't been in touch in forever. I knew she'd been having health troubles, but didn't realize that they were that extreme.

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She was my first babysitter; or at least, our first regular babysitter. I understand now how tricky it can be to find a sitter who meshes with your children... so who know how many sitters didn't mesh, or care for a repeat engagement.

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I was a very awkward, dreamy, little kid. She was the first person who ever made me feel cool. She let me stay up late - after my brothers went to bed, even! - and we would watch movies together. I particularly remember a movie about a teenage glamor queen who got mad at her parents (or some kind of authority) and cut her hair short & spiked it & the only reason the hero recognized her is because she was wearing knickers that said "I (heart) YOU".

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Anyways. Staying up late watching movies with her was the first time that I ever felt cool. And that was such a gift for my self-confidence - to have someone - a sophisticated girl with a driver's license! - laugh at my jokes, let me stay up late.

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I realize now that it wasn't so much that I felt cool, but that I felt accepted for myself. I wasn't a great fit in small-town Saskatchewan. Being accepted for myself was a great gift that she gave me. (And I have to note here: I have a terrific family, with lots of support and love. But when you're nine, or eleven, or fourteen, your mother's support & approval just isn't, well, very cool. Even when you have a cool mom. Because you know, mom's are supposed to say nice things to you & love you & junk. So, for a while, it's almost like that doesn't count.)

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I'm sad because I didn't realize what an impact she had on my life until she was gone. I never had a chance to hug her - adult to adult - and say "thanks". I'm sad that I won't be able to make it to her funeral & try to give some comfort to her family.

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And I'm mostly sad for her family - because if she meant that much to me, how much more did she mean to them?