Thursday, November 08, 2007

Thrusday Blues

I woke up today feeling blue. It’s just intensified as the morning has gone on – although it’s still only 7:44 am. I think it’s a post-work hang-over. It’s because I didn’t sleep well. I’m wondering how selfish & self-absorbed I really am. I’m tired. I had found a comfortable spot, a balance that I loved with Amoryn & the man, & now I’ve introduced something new, and the apple cart is all wobbling around & the apples, they are jostling one another, instead of laying snug in their smug stacks. Damn those smug apples.

I went to the office yesterday; I left at 10:30 or so, & got home at 6. Sarah’s sister has been babysitting this week, and she’s fantastic – Amoryn adores her; they play together all day. She took some of the cutest pictures of Am yesterday! (I'll post them later.)

I think that makes me feel blue too. Even if I weren’t working, I still wouldn’t have spent an hour playing with Amoryn while she was in her Jumperoo – it just wouldn’t occur to me. There would be laundry, supper, dishes, vacuuming, bookkeeping… all the endless detritus that can expand almost infinitely to fill up life. We do play, & I read to her, & she “helps” me get supper ready – or at least, she drops the soup ladle I giver her out of her high chair while I make supper, but when she’s happy playing by herself, I’ve always just left her be. It’s never occurred to me that she might be really happy if I played with her then… and that makes me feel bad. Irrational, but true.*

And so now, with returning to work – and only 10 hours a week – I feel all unbalanced & like I’m ignoring the good things in my life. Which is ridiculous, I know; my brain knows that I’ll adjust to the balance; & I’ll feel good about working, & I won’t lay awake in the night, trying to slow the whirling dervish of my brain. My gut though, is in a knot. My heart needs a snuggle with Amoryn. It’s almost time for her to wake up. Maybe I’ll say to hell with trying to keep the house up for the man; and I’ll spend more time specifically playing with my girl. Yes, we all need to eat; but anybody can do the dishes. And clean the bathrooms. And once I clear the man on the new vacuum, he can use that too.

Enough maudlin! I’m going to go look at the new lolcats ( ) & then wake my girl up. Mamma needs some baby time. And even getting this out of my head makes me feel better. Thanks, Internet, you're the best listener.

*-In no way any kind of critique of Kathy! She's super! Don't you bad mouth my temporary babysitter! She rocks!

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